


I Don't Wanna Feel Like a Stranger

by hotspaceweirdo



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: F/M, FTM AU, M/M, Queen - Freeform, ace John Deacon, also titles, ftm!John Deacon, im emotionally fragile, im not good with tags, johnica makes me soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26255479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotspaceweirdo/pseuds/hotspaceweirdo
Summary: So uh...Deakys ftm trans...and uh this is basically a story of how he found out and his transition and RONNIE :-))“Excuse me..” Came a voice from behind Joan. It was a young woman who sounded like she was from the north of England, presumably Sheffield. The bassist looked over and saw the young woman. She was even more beautiful up close.“My name's Veronica.” she said “Your friend said that you wanted to talk to me?” That wasn't what Roger said, but she didn't want to embarrass Joan. And besides, Veronica thought she was pretty cute.“O-oh..yeah..” Joan stammered, feeling a lot more nervous now. She needed to drink more. “Would you like me to buy you a drink?”Veronica smiled “Sure.” she said, sitting down on the bar stool next to Joan. This was going to be a better night than she thought it was gonna be.
Relationships: Freddie Mercury/Jim Hutton, John Deacon/Veronica Tetzlaff, Roger Taylor/Brian May
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	1. i dont fucking know

**Author's Note:**

> I uh... hope you enjoy!
> 
> Twitter(if you didnt find me from there) : HEATHERDEAC0N  
> Instagram: hotspaceweirdo

Joan left the stage after another concert with the band,the rush of adrenaline slowly starting to fade away but the smile still on her face. She always loved the gigs her and the band did, they were a fun distraction for her.

As she went to open the door to her changing room, she heard Freddie's voice come from behind her. 

“Oh darling, we're gonna go to a pub once we've all done getting changed, would you like to come?”

Joan smiled and nodded. It was fun going out with the band, especially if it wasn't work related. It was one of the very few things that made her happy.

However as she shut the door and turned back to the job of changing into some more casual clothing, one thing that made her severely unhappy was staring right back at her. 

Herself. Well, more specifically, her body.

She knew it was odd, but there was something about it she found...unsettling. Every time she would look in the mirror her heart would grow heavy and she would have this feeling of unnerve in her stomach. Joan really didn't want to look like she did, but she didn't know what she could do.

The small brunette took the suit jacket and shirt off and felt more unnerved by her breasts. They were rather small, but part of her wished they just didn't exist.

With her left hand she picked up the clothes she was wearing before the concert. She was wearing the same trousers, so she only had to change her shirt, which was just a long sleeve and an oversized jumper. The jumper to hide her body, the long sleeve to hide the cuts.

She emerged from the changing room with all her things; her clothes were in a mini suitcase, but she didn't really know what to do with them. She guessed she would take it with her to the pub. 

Joan leant against the wall as she waited for the rest of the band. Her cigarettes were in her pocket, but she didn't really want to smell like nicotine in case she did end up going back to her hotel with a guy...or a girl. She just hoped they didn't want sex.

\---

The band all walked into the pub at the same time, and to Joan that was good, because everyone would be paying attention to the attractive members of the band (in her mind that was everyone except her, but rogers not that handsome to me so). 

Since it was a Saturday night, there was a disco(…?) going on, so there were a lot of people in relatively...revealing clothing. All that I can really say is that Roger regretted wearing such tight jeans for obvious reasons, so they decided to just sit at the bar and have a few drinks, and after a while they were all a bit tipsy. 

Though, as Joan scanned the dance floor she noticed a young woman, with brown hair that was a little lighter than her own, and donning a lovely white t-shirt and blue bell bottoms. She looked very beautiful, and Joan kept looking back at her, but she was still too shy to go over her, even after 2 pints of beer. As she glanced over to the beautiful young woman, Roger started to notice and smirked at the brunette.

“You like her, don't you.” he said, looking over at the young woman on the dance floor. His friend nodded.

“I'm just too scared to go up to her…” She said, starting to fiddle with her fingers from the anxiety and the amount of alcohol in her system. 

Roger rolled his eyes “Hold on.” he said, a slight slur in his voice as he was just as drunk as Joan. He stood up, steadied himself and walked over to the young woman.

Joan took a sip of her third pint and turned away from the blonde's conversation with the young woman. She was feeling very anxious, but she didn't know why, the woman probably wouldn't want to talk to her anyways. 

“Excuse me..” Came a voice from behind Joan. It was a young woman who sounded like she was from the north of England, presumably Sheffield. The bassist looked over and saw the young woman. She was even more beautiful up close.

“My name's Veronica.” she said “Your friend said that you wanted to talk to me?” That wasn't what Roger said, but she didn't want to embarrass Joan. And besides, Veronica thought she was pretty cute.

“O-oh..yeah..” Joan stammered, feeling a lot more nervous now. She needed to drink more. “Would you like me to buy you a drink?”

Veronica smiled “Sure.” she said, sitting down on the bar stool next to Joan. This was going to be a better night than she thought it was gonna be.

\---

Veronica had Joan against the hotel room door, their lips were touching and they were both feeling a rush of adrenaline that not even Joan had felt before. Her lips felt like they were on fire; they just made out, and the smaller brunette was feeling happiest than she has in a while. But, more worrying to Joan, it seemed as though Veronica wanted to go further. She just wanted to go to bed, and the doorknob was digging into her thigh.

“So, my dear…” Veronica said, taking her hand into Joan's shirt and up her back. “Would you like to do something more fun?”

As she felt the taller woman's hand go up her back, Joan started to feel extremely uncomfortable and nervous. She never liked the idea of sex, it just seemed a bit gross in her mind and she hated the idea of participating in it.

“I-uh...well-” She stammered. She really didn't want to hurt Veronica's feelings, but she didn't want to do it. On top of that, she didn't want her new fling to see her cuts.

Veronica pouted and cupped Joans face into her hand “It's okay if you don't want to, lovely. Can I stay the night, though?” 

The small brunette nodded “Of course..” she said softly. She was too tired to even bother to get changed, so she walked the few feet to the bed as Veronica took her bell bottoms off and climbed into bed. And as her taller companion climbed into bed and wrapped her arms around Joan, the young bassist promptly fell asleep.

its done bitches.


	2. Romance and Regurgitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so deakys still struggling a lot. 
> 
> !! IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'LL BE TRIGGERED BY EATING DISORDERS, THROWING UP OR SELF HARM DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER !!
> 
> Veronica opened the front door to the house with her hips as she walked in with brown paper bags filled with groceries, the house keys hanging from her mouth as she shut the door behind her, again using her hip to do so. She walked from the hallway into the living room to go into the kitchen and set the bags onto the table by the window. Her and Joan normally ate there; it was a nice view of a mix of the nature (the garden) and the suburban life that was in the background. 
> 
> She began to unpack the shopping she had bought for the week, and as she did so she realized something.
> 
> Joan hadn't come downstairs.
> 
> To Veronica this was a bit of odd behaviour or her lovers part; she always came to say hi to Ronnie, and sometimes even gave her a kiss. She didn't know if it was selfish, but she was a little hurt by it, but she felt concerned more than anything. 
> 
> She's probably just taking a nap. The brunette thought. That was it, just a nap. Joan had seemed very low on energy the past couple of days, so it was understandable.

Joan looked at the large bathroom mirror, examining her figure. What was it that she hated so much about her body?

She was wearing just a bra and knickers, so the scars on her wrists were showing. She hadn't cut for at least a week, since Veronica found out and made the young brunette promise not to do it again. It was difficult, but that was one of the compromises she's had to make for being in a relationship.

Which reminded her, Veronica would be moving in today. They had been planning it for a couple of weeks, which was basically ever since they met each other. She was excited for it.

Anyways, the cuts weren't what she decided was the problem. Maybe...it was her weight? Yes, that was it. She worked out once a week, but she didn't feel like she was...slim, to say the least. What could she possibly do to help her lose weight?

Joan thought for a moment, wondering what she could do to help. She didn't eat much, and when she did it was normally healthy, so dieting wouldn't help, nor would starving herself.

The brunette paced up and down the bathroom, thinking of what she could do to help herself feel better in her own body. 

Then she had the idea. Maybe...that would work.

\----

Veronica walked up the little ways to Joan's house with her suitcase in one hand and a huge smile on her face. She'd be moving in with her girlfriend today, and it felt like the brunette was on top of the world. Joan was the light of her life; she always knew how to make Veronica happy, she was very kind to her... and she had given her a lot of presents (which Ronnie guessed was to make up for the self harm discovery), one she was wearing right now. It was a golden pendant necklace with a sunflower on it. She loved it to bits.

The young woman knocked on the door and waited for a response. She would need a little help with getting some of the stuff in her car, but it wouldn't take long.

Veronica waited for some time for her lover to open the door, but as soon as young Joan did she pulled her into the biggest hug that was ever possible.

“Well, hello to you too!” Joan said brightly, feeling slightly flustered by the sudden hug Veronica had given her. It was a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.

The older brunette pulled away from the hug slightly and smiled at Joan with a small giggle. “Hi.” Veronica said, unable to stop grinning. Her girlfriend found it very cute, and smiled as well.

“Would you like to come inside and unpack?” Joan asked, stepping aside but still keeping her arm around Veronica's slim waist. 

“O-oh sure!” The older brunette replied brightly as she stepped through the door. She loved Joan's house; it was a very cozy place, with a big living room and a kitchen that wasn't hard to move around in like her old flat, and everything just looked...nice. Problem is she forgot the layout of most of it. 

“Where's the bedroom again?” Veronica asked sheepishly, turning to her lover with an awkward grin. 

Joan chuckled “What, you already wanna have sex?” She joked. She honestly didn't want to, but it was an interesting thought...and in this interesting and kind of gross are similes. “I'll take you up there.”

The two headed upstairs, Joan taking Veronicas hand as they climbed the staircase. She didn't know why, but it made the smaller brunette feel a bit safer. Ronnie always had that effect on her, for some reason.

The two arrived at the cosy little bedroom that Joan (and soon Veronica) resided in, and as the taller brunette looked around a grin started to appear on her face.

“This is...amazing." She said softly before turning to her girlfriend and her reddening face.

“I-It's alright, I guess.” Joan said sheepishly. She felt a bit guilty, though. She'd been to Veronicas old place and it wasn't the best; it was really cramped and her bed was old. To say her place was “alright” in her presence was rude, and a bit snobbish on her part.

The taller brunette grinned at her lover and gave them a gentle kiss on the cheek. 

“Thanks.” She said. “I really appreciate this.”

Joan went even redder from the kiss. “Oh, i-it's no problem, really!” she stammered, looking sheepishly away from Veronica. “I-I mean, you are my girlfriend after all…”

The older womans grin went wider at Joans sudden embarrasment. “Still, it was a lovely thing to do, and I'm very grateful.” She said with a gentle voice that the petite brunette loved. It always made her feel a bit happier.

The pair locked eyes for a short while, admiring each others features. Though in this time Veronica could notice the dark rings under her girlfriends eyes and got concerned.

“Goodness me, dear, you look tired.” She remarked with slight worry in her tone as she placed her hand upon Joans left cheek. 

“Hm? Oh, no I'm okay.” The young woman responded as she yawned. She never got much sleep, she was too busy over thinking everything to do so. She also sometimes had a small voice telling her that she should be more masculine and that she wasn't acting like a boy, as if her mind was a male, but not her body. It was confusing for her, but she paid no mind to it most of the time. She had other things to worry about.

Veronica gave her girlfriend a stern look “You need a nap, sweetheart.” She said with a soft but stern voice. “I'll make you a cuppa, you go get changed into your pyjamas.”

As she said this the taller brunette disappeared from the bedroom, and Joan was left standing there contemplating whether she should do as Veronica told her to. She decided to do so and went into her closet to grab some pyjamas, which were just an oversized t-shirt she got from the shop Freddie and Roger owned and a pair of old trousers. She liked wearing them, it covered up most of her shitty body.

She climbed into bed and waited for Veronica to come upstairs with their tea, feeling a mix of excitement and insecurity at the same time. The insecurity Joan didn't understand all that much, but it was there, albeit irritating. At least she was with her girlfriend now, she thought as Veronica came in with two mugs of piping hot tea for them both. 

“I made it just how you like it.” The young woman said gently, placing one mug on the bedside chest of drawers and handing the other to her partner, who said a curt thank you as she took a sip. 

Veronica watched as her young lover drank from the mug, admiring her beauty. What Ronnie saw was a woman with a gentle, pale face not disimilar to a porcelin doll, with green eyes and flowy brown hair that looked as thought if you stuck your hand in it it would part like the Red Sea(see i used a Christian metaphor cus shes a holy lady). 

“You’re so beautiful.” Veronica said softly, which made Joan go a bright red.

“Shut up.” She said, putting her mug on the table on her side of the bed. She didn't know why it was there, but it came in handy sometimes. 

The older woman chuckled at this as she pushed herself closer to Joan, who laid her head on Ronnies chest and shut her eyes, and after a while she felt something that she hadn't felt in a long while.

Calm.

\----[two weeks later]----

Veronica opened the front door to the house with her hips as she walked in with brown paper bags filled with groceries, the house keys hanging from her mouth as she shut the door behind her, again using her hip to do so. She walked from the hallway into the living room to go into the kitchen and set the bags onto the table by the window. Her and Joan normally ate there; it was a nice view of a mix of the nature (the garden) and the suburban life that was in the background. 

She began to unpack the shopping she had bought for the week, and as she did so she realized something.

Joan hadn't come downstairs.

To Veronica this was a bit of odd behaviour or her lovers part; she always came to say hi to Ronnie, and sometimes even gave her a kiss. She didn't know if it was selfish, but she was a little hurt by it, but she felt concerned more than anything. 

She's probably just taking a nap. The brunette thought. That was it, just a nap. Joan had seemed very low on energy the past couple of days, so it was understandable.

Veronica finished unpacking the groceries and went upstairs to the bathroom; she'd been needing to pee for a while now. 

As she climbed the stairs she could hear a funny noise. It sounded like someone was gagging. She hoped it wasn't Joan. It was a bit faint so it was probably just the neighbors. 

But as she reached the bathroom the noise got louder, and she realised it was someone gagging. She opened the door and saw something that made her heart stop.

There was Joan, on the bathroom floor, leaned against the toilet, making herself throw up. 

In a panic, Veronica snapped at her to stop.

“Joan!”

Joan yelped at the sound of her girlfriends stern voice and turned around. Her hands began to shake from fear, but she forced herself a smile.

“Oh, hi sweetie.." She said quietly. She was so fucked.

Veronica went over to Joan and pulled her up by her small wrist “What the bloody hell are you playing at!?" She exclaimed. She didn't mean to sound so angry, she was just scared. 

The petite brunette, apart from a few stammers of trying to come up with an excuse, said nothing. Her heart was racing and she felt a mix of anxiety and guilt from being so stupid as to letting Veronica find out about this. 

After what seemed like an age, the bassist replied. “I just wanted to like myself…” She said softly, her upper lip starting to tremble.

Veronica's heart ached as she said this. She knew that Joan was struggling a bit mentally, but she didn't know it was because of that.

“Oh, sweetheart, I want you to like yourself too…” She said gently as she pulled Joan into a hug. “I know it’s really tough and you feel like there's nothing else you can do to help, but doing this...will just make it worse.”

The two stood in silence for a minute, trying to process everything. Joan had managed to stop her hands from shaking, but now she felt this overwhelming sense of guilt.

“I'm sorry.” Joan said quietly. “Y-you shouldn't have to put up with my emotional bullshit it's not fair!”

“Ssshh, it's okay.” Veronica said gently, starting to stroke her girlfriend's soft hair “You're my girlfriend, and we'll get through this together, okay?” She went silent for a moment before continuing. “D'you wanna book yourself a therapist?”

Joan pondered at the question before nodding. “That might help…” she said softly as Veronica wiped the silent tears that rolled down her lovers cheeks. 

“Okay, let's try that then.” The taller brunette said. “Now c'mon, let's get you a cuppa.”


End file.
